I feel old.

I feel old.

Anyone 20 and up will proceed to be disgusted by that statement. Peers will either relate and commiserate, or say I’m being mellow dramatic. And those younger either already think I’m an old fart, don’t give a damn, or don’t agree at all as they think we’re all kids so long as we’re energetic and immature.

It’s not just that my birthday is next week. It’s the fact that I know this weekend I have work, next weekend I’m at a conference, the two weekends after that I have workshops, there’s bay to breakers and dog sitting. During the middle of the week I have class 3/5 of days of the week, generally 3-4 of those I have work. When not at class or work I’ve got homework, lab hours to do, the never ending task of trying to keep up with the news, go to the gym, always have a book that I’m reading, clean the room, organize my computer, keep up with current music and movies and maintain friendships with people who never seem to have free time at the same time. And random side projects- event photos to organize, photoblogs to update etc...

I feel old.
I’m stuck in boxes on a calendar. Chunks of time without recess to break it up.

But even worse is having two days in a row of free time is unheard of- and if I’ve got a full day off at any point in my week- its almost never my weekend. Unlike when in K - 12, I’m not counting the days down till Friday when the weekend starts as I’m most likely working Friday night and Sunday during the day too. And Saturday is when I try to do homework. And unlike the last 3 quarters I’m not looking forward to Monday’s for my favorite class- as Dr. Feig is gone this quarter. Grey’s isn’t regular enough; House I only sometimes get to see. Without weekends to look forward to, or a day of the week to count down to, the days of the week drag. Like a rock song without a push in the beat- it’s lame.

The combination of dragging time and always being busy would be enough to make me feel down. But the inconsistent sleep cycle, sleep deprivation and being generally exhausted makes it worse. I can handle lacking sleep- but dragging time too. Oh dear. And to add the icing to this cake is spring. I always used to love spring. But this spring I’m getting worse allergies. I actually caught the crappy flu when it was going around. And I don’t have time to get over being sick because I’m busy with everything else.

And it makes me feel old.
I want some kindergarten time- break out with the water colors as an assignment! I want a tricycle to ride during recess! On my birthday I want the class to sing to me before we eat cupcakes and I get a book as a gift from the teacher. I want crayons to write my name tag. I want the epitome of my responsibility to be my homework assignment of bringing something for show and tell. I want to feel like a genius because Shef showed me what the kids three grades above me were reading. I want cute chicks to hatch out of the eggs we’ve watched for weeks so that we can have a class pet. I want to play capture the flag with 30 people. I want 3rd grade buddies assigned to us so we can hang out with cool older kids who will teach us how to make newspaper hats. I want to wear the newspaper and not read it. I want to not know how much I don’t know so I don’t feel guilty about not knowing it. And most of all I want nap time!

And in the absence of kindergarten I will do as I’ve done recently: request crayons whenever available. Treat myself to hot chocolate after work. Use photos/news stories/new music for psuedo-show and tell. Buy my own books with the money from work and put them in a box to treat myself to new ideas the way the teachers used to.

But it’s not the same- and my time is rather managed. Even with fun things it’s exhausting knowing what’s next week and thinking beyond recess.