I feel old.

I feel old.

Anyone 20 and up will proceed to be disgusted by that statement. Peers will either relate and commiserate, or say I’m being mellow dramatic. And those younger either already think I’m an old fart, don’t give a damn, or don’t agree at all as they think we’re all kids so long as we’re energetic and immature.

It’s not just that my birthday is next week. It’s the fact that I know this weekend I have work, next weekend I’m at a conference, the two weekends after that I have workshops, there’s bay to breakers and dog sitting. During the middle of the week I have class 3/5 of days of the week, generally 3-4 of those I have work. When not at class or work I’ve got homework, lab hours to do, the never ending task of trying to keep up with the news, go to the gym, always have a book that I’m reading, clean the room, organize my computer, keep up with current music and movies and maintain friendships with people who never seem to have free time at the same time. And random side projects- event photos to organize, photoblogs to update etc...

I feel old.
I’m stuck in boxes on a calendar. Chunks of time without recess to break it up.

But even worse is having two days in a row of free time is unheard of- and if I’ve got a full day off at any point in my week- its almost never my weekend. Unlike when in K - 12, I’m not counting the days down till Friday when the weekend starts as I’m most likely working Friday night and Sunday during the day too. And Saturday is when I try to do homework. And unlike the last 3 quarters I’m not looking forward to Monday’s for my favorite class- as Dr. Feig is gone this quarter. Grey’s isn’t regular enough; House I only sometimes get to see. Without weekends to look forward to, or a day of the week to count down to, the days of the week drag. Like a rock song without a push in the beat- it’s lame.

The combination of dragging time and always being busy would be enough to make me feel down. But the inconsistent sleep cycle, sleep deprivation and being generally exhausted makes it worse. I can handle lacking sleep- but dragging time too. Oh dear. And to add the icing to this cake is spring. I always used to love spring. But this spring I’m getting worse allergies. I actually caught the crappy flu when it was going around. And I don’t have time to get over being sick because I’m busy with everything else.

And it makes me feel old.
I want some kindergarten time- break out with the water colors as an assignment! I want a tricycle to ride during recess! On my birthday I want the class to sing to me before we eat cupcakes and I get a book as a gift from the teacher. I want crayons to write my name tag. I want the epitome of my responsibility to be my homework assignment of bringing something for show and tell. I want to feel like a genius because Shef showed me what the kids three grades above me were reading. I want cute chicks to hatch out of the eggs we’ve watched for weeks so that we can have a class pet. I want to play capture the flag with 30 people. I want 3rd grade buddies assigned to us so we can hang out with cool older kids who will teach us how to make newspaper hats. I want to wear the newspaper and not read it. I want to not know how much I don’t know so I don’t feel guilty about not knowing it. And most of all I want nap time!

And in the absence of kindergarten I will do as I’ve done recently: request crayons whenever available. Treat myself to hot chocolate after work. Use photos/news stories/new music for psuedo-show and tell. Buy my own books with the money from work and put them in a box to treat myself to new ideas the way the teachers used to.

But it’s not the same- and my time is rather managed. Even with fun things it’s exhausting knowing what’s next week and thinking beyond recess.

Thoughts on Books and More.

To start this let me establish the context: I am sitting at desk with 2 computers in front of me that I am using. This computer I am using to type rambling thoughts, the one next to me is being used play music. And the third computer behind is the desktop which is turned off to save power. I’m currently sick. Nothing major- just a cold. But as a result of it I’m a bit more rambly than normal, I have a headache, a stuffy nose, muscle aches and the usual what have you of symptoms. None of this previously mentioned information is relevant if you are looking for content- but they establish my excuse for what I will say when I read this while not half asleep and on cold medication.

I’m not much of a reader. I like to read. I enjoy books. But I’m not a bookworm. I also like music, but no matter how overloaded my hard drive gets and my CD binder gets, I’m not a professional listener. I enjoy it. It’s a hobby. It’s the difference between Lance Armstrong and the kid who is excited for the new 10 speed and a chance to get to a pal’s house 2 miles away. I enjoy the activity, it’s the means to an end but it’s not a profession and I’m no expert.

My system (if you can call it that) of organizing what I read is simple- after I get a book, I put it to the side to read when I have time. To make it easier to find when I need something to read, I put it in a laundry basket. If a book is on my shelf, I have either read it or read part of it and got distracted and have yet to pick it up again. Everything on my shelf I have read enough that I can have a conversation about it. (I hate it when I see good books on other people’s shelves and I ask them about it just to find out they’ve not read it). This is irrelevant however as my room is a mess and I generally don’t have people in my room observing the contents of my shelves. But if they did- I know the books.

When I have time I pick up a book from the top of the basket. No shuffling through- that’s cheating. Right now I’m actually in the middle of two books (excluding all school stuff). The Iraq Study Group Report is what I pulled out of the basket a couple days ago, however I left it in my car after work two days ago- and thus today when I was tired and sick needing something to read I started a new one to avoid going outside while sick and tired. I have now finished A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut. And I am now curious if indeed they will use for his epitaph: “The only proof he needed for the existence of god was music”. Among other things. Many lines in this book that I would quote were I to have a place to quote them where I felt someone would read them. But I’m still in the middle of the Iraq Study Group Report. Which is surprisingly dull- thus far it’s all common sense arguments that I started making before this was technically a war. Which probably makes me sound arrogant and like an egoistical intellectual snob- but I was hoping to read things I hadn’t learned from a hodgepodge of history courses, news sources and unfounded opinions with wishful thinking as to their accuracy.

Speaking of which- I’m tired of the news. For several months (before that I read the news but not so many daily reminders and alerts) I’ve read every daily summery from Reuters (morning, afternoon and evening- plus the plethora of alertnet updates) and BBC (only one summery e-mail and breaking news). I’ve also read the front page of the Mercury News and skimmed the other sections for any stories that have headlines which look relevant. To top off this mix is GoogleNews blend of news from every source and MSN’s headlines What have I learnt? No clue. Too much input to remember it all. But if you get a conversation started on current events you might trigger a memory of some article and I’ll feel smart. Just don’t make me speak first. There’s too much bad news to remember it all.

Speaking of bad news, sucks about Virginia Tech. In my inbox at the same time however was news of 118 dying in a Bagdad car bomb. My ability to be shocked and scared is about the same to both. Really I’m not trying to say it’s unreasonable for people to be more shocked about deaths in the US. But it makes me more cynical when the local paper’s front page was about VT and didn’t even have a blotter about the car bomb. And the emphasis on the shooter being Korean I found unnecessary, I think more important was that he was depressed, lonely, very antisocial and dissatisfied with his environment. Gun toting is more American than Korean anyway. We’re the crazy cowboys.

How the hell did I end up on this topic?... Sorry for that rambling tangent of whatever it was. I’m not rereading it. Anyhow back to books. My favorite part of A Man Without a Country:

“But if you make use of the vast fund of knowledge now available to educated persons, you are going to be lonesome as hell. The guessers outnumber you- and now I have to guess- about ten to one.”
-Vonnegut (page 86 if anyone wants to check.)